The nuclear family emotional system describes how anxiety travels and gets managed within the immediate family system. It is the concept that most directly explains why families function the way they do under stress and why the same basic patterns seem to appear in family after family, culture after culture.

Ego Development Theory, coupled with Integral Psychotherapy, offers us a developmental way of thinking about our psychotherapeutic work with clients. A developmental approach to psychotherapy requires looking at symptoms and conditions with a different lens than we are normally used to in modern Western psychotherapy.

The conformist stage of development marks a significant shift from the previous self-centered stage of development. Individuals at this stage start to be able to truly consider others and not just for their own personal gain. Empathy starts to come online for the first time and individuals here start to develop the ability to feel emotions that are necessary for healthy socialization, such as relational guilt and group pride.

The achiever stage of ego development is marked by a profound transition to one’s inner authority. An individual who has reached this stage of development has been able to to shift the way they define themselves from external sources to their own internal ones.

Individuals at later stages of ego development often feel lonely and misunderstood by others. This isn’t the type of loneliness that can be cured by finding more people to connect with or improving relational skills. They can often see and understand others deeply, and they are often liked and admired by others.

When I turned 30, I turned inward to reflect on the whirlwind of a decade that had passed. As I looked back on my 20s, I noted how much I’d learned from a decade of mistakes, challenges, and triumphs. Here’s what I would say to my 20 year-old self if I could write her a letter of lessons learned…