This is lesson one in series called Lessons in Self-Differentiation: 50 Short Essays for the Journey.
Healthy Differentiation is a Gradual Process of Moving Toward the Inner Self
In early development, looking to others for a sense of self is a normal part of our development as humans. We look to our caregivers to reflect back to us and validate what we feel, think, and believe about who we are. Slowly, overtime, our family system helps us develop a sense of who we are in the world. They help us cultivate our solid self, or the inner core of our identity that feels most authentic, stable, and secure.
But our family system can only take us as far in our identity development as they themselves have gone. For whatever reason, should we not receive the psychological and emotional resources required to develop a healthy level of self-differentiation through our family system, we will reach adult life constantly looking to the external world for a sense of self.
This can look like:
Working hard to be liked by others.
Performing for attention and praise.
Molding ourselves to fit the expectations and standards of others.
Looking to others for how to think, behave, and present ourselves.
Looking to others for guidance and direction in all life choices.
Looking to others to fix our problems, save us, and soothe our discomfort.
Being highly sensitive to the approval and disapproval of others.
In essence, the authority of our lives will lie in the hands of others, versus within ourselves.
Making the Shift Toward the Inner Self
Thus, when one decides to commit to self-differentiation in adult life, moving inward and strengthening the inner self - what Bowen referred to as the solid self, is one of the most important parts of the process. This means shifting from an external locus of identity to an internal one. The word locus in Latin means place.
Thus, when we shift our locus of identity, we are shifting the place in which we find our sense of self from the outside world to our inner world. We go from being defined by others and finding our sense of self through the external world, to defining ourselves and finding a home in ourselves.
This means we learn to:
Look to ourselves for approval and validation, versus constantly looking outward and molding ourselves to be liked, approved of, praised, and validated by others.
Start relying on and believing in ourselves to make the necessary changes to create the life we want.
Evaluate ourselves based on our own values and principles. For example, before looking to others to see if we did well at something, we sit with ourselves first and ask, “Did I perform according to my own values and principles? Did I move toward my own long-term goals and vision?”
Listen to ourselves first for guidance and wisdom to make important decisions for our lives.
Work through our own emotions and problems first, versus dumping them on others or expecting others to save us, fix our problems, or soothe our discomfort.
Trust ourselves to choose our own path and to be able navigate the positive or negative consequences of our choices.
Live and behave according to what we truly value and care about, versus molding ourselves to look and act like in the world.
Think things through for ourselves
Follow our own path according to who we uniquely are instead of following the known and comfortable path that everyone has taken or expects us to take.
Pick up the metaphorical pen to write the script of our own life instead of letting others write our script for us.
Find a safe place and grounded center in ourselves in that we can always come back to when things in the external world get rocky.
We Are Still Inherently Relational Beings
That all being said, it’s important to understand that humans are relational beings. We learn how to be in the world in and through our relationships. They play an intractable role in our growth and development and they inevitable influence and shape our sense of self.
As we do self-differentiation work, however, the point is that the center of gravity of our sense of self shifts inward, while still allowing meaningful others to influence us. And as we do this, we become much more mindful and intentional about who is allowed to influence our sense of self as well as when and how we allow them to do so.
For example, here are some guidelines for reference:
Our inherent worth as a human is strictly derived internally.
This is a big one and one of the most enduring and important ones. No one - not one person - in the world is allowed to make us feel like we are not worthy to be alive, to have a decent quality of life, to be safe from harm, and so on. This is about our inherent worth simply by virtue of being a living being. Our inherent worth must always remain internal, never external.
Listen to ourselves and our inner guidance system first.
Before looking to others for guidance, wisdom, and advice, hear what your inner self has to say about it first. What does your inner self want? What do you think you should do? If you had to do it completely without the input of others, what direction would your inner self tell you to take? Get clear on this first before ping-ponging around to others, have them tell you what to do and how to do it.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t seek counsel ever. It is humble and wise to do so. The point is to first go to ourselves and get clear on our perspective first. Again, the center of gravity is in ourselves, while still allowing others to help us move through the dance of life.
Get clear on our motivations to seek others and approach with intention.
In addition to this, get clear on what you’re seeking from others. Sometimes our inner self knows exactly what it should do and how, but we are afraid of moving forward without the reassurance of others. We are afraid to take the risk and bet on ourselves. We are shaking in our bones and want to soothe our anxiety about things. So we reach out to others and - as Bowen would say - borrow some self from them.
Reflect on your motivations. Understand why you are seeking other and what you’re seeking from them. Are you just looking for some attention? A few likes on your post? Validation that you’re right? Reassurance that you’ll be alright?
Seek others with intention, as a part of a decision-making process to consider, not as the whole truth, and not as a mechanism for soothing.
Consciously and carefully choose whose reflection matters to us.
The last part of this is to understand how to seek wise counsel from people who we genuinely trust, understand our values and long-term goals, and won’t just give us what we want to hear. This is likely a very small number of people in our lives, but their input is more valuable than the masses (though not more valuable than your own).
So, it’s important for us to learn how choose the right people to listen to and the right people to model - for the right reasons. We should choose those who have proven to be “in the arena” with us, those who have shown they’re capable of providing wise counsel and direction, those who have inner character traits and values that we respect and want to emulate and embody.
These people will not be there to soothe you, they will be there to help you in your truth-seeking process. You won’t be borrowing self from them, rather it should feel like they help you come back to your inner self and find an even greater sense of gravity inside of you. They will help us come back home to ourselves over and over again.
Wishing you strength and wisdom on your journey.