When a relationship ends, we lose a part of our identity that we’ve been building with another person. It’s an experience of psychological death. This can be extremely painful and can launch us into an emotional and existential crisis that leaves us disoriented and unsure of how to cope and move forward.
And, I’m here to tell you honestly that moving forward is not an easy process, but it’s completely possible. What’s more, on the other side of this process might actually be a life you love even more than before.
When you give death to an old version of your life, you are afforded the opportunity to create a new one. One that lets go of the baggage of the past. One in which you are wiser and stronger. One in which you might actually find is more meaningful and fulfilling.
But to get to the other side, you must go through it and experience it fully. You must process the experience, learn from it, and apply the lessons to the new life you are creating. Here are 3 steps to begin processing doing so…
1. Embrace Emotional Complexity
It’s normal to feel many opposing things at the same time: grief and relief, desperation and hope, hate and love. Paradoxical emotions, motives, and meanings can all co-exist:
We can feel intensely sad about the fact that it’s over and yet be absolutely certain that the right thing to do is move on.
We can love the person we are leaving with every ounce of our being, we can think they’re amazing, and yet still know that they’re not a good match for us.
A big part of maturity is the having the capacity for mental and emotional complexity. It’s about embracing paradox. It’s about holding the tension between seemingly opposing poles with giving in to one side.
This is where I often see people go wrong. They either give into the sadness and go back to what is no longer a viable relationship. Or they completely cut off and don’t allow themselves to fully process the situation and learn from it.
The more we allow ourselves to experience the complexity and totality of any given situation, the more skillfully we can navigate challenging situations, and the more wisdom we can draw from our lived experiences.
2. Acknowledge How You’ve Grown
Listen, I know it can be a lot to ask to acknowledge the good in the midst of the rage and resentment we can sometimes feel toward the other person. But, the more we practice awareness of what we take with us from our relationships into our future lives, the better off we will be for it.
Any relationship — no matter how good or bad it was — offers us the opportunity to learn and grow if we allow ourselves to reflect and extract the lessons from the experience. When a relationship ends, we can ask ourselves:
What do I take from that relationship with me into my future life and relationships?
In what ways did that relationship help me grow and mature?
What did I learn about what I need most in future relationships?
What did I learn about what I don’t want or won’t tolerate?
What was my role in the relationship not working out and how can I approach my future relationships differently given that awareness?
To be clear, this exercise is intended to help acknowledge both what worked and didn’t — and the growth and evolution you take with you as a result.
As humans, our nervous systems are wired to connect with the nervous systems of others, and any time we enter into an attachment with another human being, we inevitably affect each other. We wire new connections and make new memories.
No matter what, our relationships remain a part of our psyches and body memories as metabolized experiences. We have a choice whether we want to reflect on those experiences and draw wisdom from them, or leave them lurking in our subconscious.
Each person we connect with can potentially draw out a new side of us that we’ve never explored before or that had gone to sleep. They can potentially show us a new way of being in the world or a new perspective on life.
Each relationship offers us the opportunity to get to know ourselves more deeply. To learn what we need and want. To learn what to avoid and let go of. To get a little bit better at relating and at loving.
3. Tend to ‘The Void’
When a relationship ends, it sometimes can launch us into a full-blown identity crisis. At the very least, it can leave us a little lost and confused for a while. This is because, as social creatures, we evolved for our identities to be wrapped in our relationships with others, for better or for worse.
When a relationship ends, a piece of our sense of self is lost and we will need to grieve:
Past memories, present routines, and future plans.
The sides of ourselves that came alive in the presence of the other.
The time, energy, and resources we invested.
Whether we were the one broken up with or the one doing the breaking up, there’s a void is left behind to fill. And we will need to tend to that void by moving forward into the future while still grieving what we’re leaving behind.
Moving forward looks like taking the opportunity to recreate ourselves, to build up our sense of self, and to fill that void with novel and meaningful things.
Perhaps for you that means:
Reinvesting in old relationships that were getting less attention.
Going out to meet new people and making new friends.
Pursuing hobbies, work, and creative projects more deeply.
Doing some extended travel or moving to a new city.
Going to therapy and processing your patterns and grief.
Taking care of your physical health and body.
Whatever it might look like for you, know that you can move forward while still holding onto the past. You can still grieve what was while working on what will be. In fact, that’s a critical part of the grieving process: transitioning a new life.
And creating will be a big part of it, because in the transition, we lose what we once created. To fill that void, we must create new things in our life to fill it. While it’s sad to lose the past, it’s also an opportunity to grow and expand ourselves in ways we might have not imagined.
My two biggest and most painful breakups in life have helped birth new and better versions of me. They helped take my life in new creative directions I never thought possible.
Sometimes the things in life that help catapult us into growth are things we wish would have not happened, but they are an opportunity for expansion nonetheless.
Final Thoughts
Breaking up is never easy. Loss and grief are never easy. Starting over is never easy. But change is a fact of life. We’re always losing old parts of ourselves and creating new ones. It can be tempting to want to block out everything that happened or to try to hang on tightly to what is getting away from us.
But the best way to move forward is to process the experience and use it as a catalyst to birth a new version of ourselves. To create a new lifestyle that’s deeper, richer, more engaging, and more meaningful than ever before. After all, discomfort is the often admission price to a meaningful life.