This is part two of a three-part series on self-differentiation at family gatherings. See part one here.
In part one of this series, we discussed how family gatherings offer opportunities for us to learn about our family’s functioning and practice self-differentiation. Here’s an excerpt for reference:
At family gatherings, because they commonly bring together multiple generations, and normally happens during times of heightened family system anxiety, is when the family patterns really come to life. So, it’s a great time to get a deeper understanding of your family’s functioning. You can then self-reflect and see how the same dynamics you observed are still alive in you today. You can then use the information you gather to understand what areas of yourself you want to most work on.
One of the best way to do this is by becoming a participant-observer at gatherings. This means you balance being an active participant of the gathering, while stepping back from time-to-time to observe the larger process. In these moments, just as an anthropologist observes groups with detached curiosity, you observe the dynamics of your family system and your role within it.
I believe there are two-parts of this process. The first is to learn and understand. The second is to practice. To learn and understand, you must observe and analyze your family as a system that is connected by their emotional patterns and dynamics with each other.
Here, I put together a list of questions for you to study that will help you with what to look for and understand during the gathering. It’s like you’re becoming your family’s historian and anthropologist with this practice. Overtime, you should be able to answer these questions with great depth and complexity, and therefore understand how your family functions across multiple generations.
Notice the Dynamics of the Larger Family System
Who sets the emotional tone for the family gathering?
Who walks on eggshells over whom?
Who shuts down and who emotionally reacts?
Who fishes for approval and validation?
Who jumps into ‘save’ others from their discomfort?
Who blames others for their emotions?
Who often pulls others into their conflicts and tensions?
Who often gets pulled into the conflicts and tensions?
Who avoids acknowledging tension by deflecting onto a third person or thing?
Who fits into different what roles (scapegoat, rescuer, idol, clown, helpless)?
How often does the conversation focus on a ‘third’ instead of the people involved in the conversation (the ‘third’ could be animals, children, weather, sports, politics, TV shows and movies, celebrities, other people)?
Who gossips to avoid vulnerability?
Who interrupts conversations or changes the subject?
Who avoids sharing about themselves or overshares?
Who makes passive aggressive comments or constant criticisms?
Who puts the focus on themselves over and over?
Who projects their insecurities onto others?
Who truly listens when others are sharing about themselves?
What happens when someone sets a boundary?
Who shares vulnerably from their personal experience?
Who stays calm when the emotional temperature of the family rises?
Who clearly responds instead of reacting in interactions?
Who sets boundaries even when it’s hard?
Notice Your Dynamics in Relation to the Family System
What are your most common triggers?
Who do they most often come from?
What do you tend to do when experiencing a trigger?
What are your most common patterns?
What role do you most commonly put yourself in or get cast into (rescuer, scapegoat, outsider, idol, clown, helpless)?
Are you able to set boundaries?
Are you able to share your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings authentically and vulnerably?
What does it feel like inside of you when you set a boundary or express yourself?
What do others do when you set a boundary or express yourself?
After spending time with your family, how do you feel and what do you need?
A Final Note
Observing your family as a whole and observing yourself as you interact with them can foster incredible self-awareness. You see, our personal development does not exists in a vacuum or in isolation.
We come from something and our emotional and psychological development happens in the context of our relationships. Understanding our evolutionary history gives us a lot of information about how to continue moving forward with our own personal evolution.
And it’s in the home where our patterns were created that we can most easily come to ‘see’ them and evolve them.
As a note, be mindful not to psychoanalyze or therapize your family. Your family members are probably not as interested in this work as you are, so there is no need to let them in on this process. This process is for you. Self-differentiation is an individual pursuit, since that’s part of what it means to work on self-differentiation. If a family member is or becomes intrinsically interested in the work and comes to you about it, then it’s fine to share, but do not project this work onto them, try to get them to see or understand what you see, or try to get them to change and do self-differentiation work.
Take this as a solo journey for now. Model the change and level of self-differentiation you wish to see in your family system. Let everything else unfold organically.
Good luck to everyone this holiday season. Deep breaths. You are not alone.