How Enmeshment Leads to Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Patterns in Intimate Relationships
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Many of the struggles we face in adult relationships don’t begin in adulthood at all. They are the continuation of unfinished emotional development from childhood especially when we grew up in enmeshed family systems.
In this article, I want to explore the link between enmeshment, differentiation, and attachment styles, and why so many people find themselves stuck in anxious–avoidant relationship dynamics that feel exhausting, confusing, and painful.
At the heart of these patterns is not a lack of love, effort, or insight but a lack of psychological balance between self and other.
What Is Enmeshment?
Enmeshment occurs when a child grows up without developmentally appropriate emotional boundaries. In enmeshed family systems, children are often required implicitly or explicitly to prioritize the emotional needs and expectations of their parents over their own connection to themselves.
Instead of being supported in developing a strong sense of self, the child learns that:
Connection requires self-sacrifice.
Autonomy threatens closeness.
Emotions must be managed for the sake of others.
Over time, this creates a deep internal conflict: If I stay connected to myself, I may lose connection to others.
This conflict sets the stage for later attachment struggles.
Differentiation: The Missing Developmental Skill
Differentiation is the ability to remain deeply connected to yourself while also remaining emotionally connected to others. It is the capacity to hold both at the same time.
A differentiated person can:
Know what they feel, want, and need.
Stay emotionally present with others.
Tolerate emotional discomfort without collapsing or distancing.
Say no without severing connection.
Stay connected without losing themselves.
Secure attachment is built on this foundation. It is not about constant closeness or total independence, but about balance.
When differentiation is underdeveloped—as it often is in enmeshed systems—this balance is lost.
Attachment Styles as Coping Strategies
Insecure attachment styles are not personality flaws. They are coping strategies developed in response to a lack of differentiation.
When someone grows up without the ability to balance self and other, they tend to cope by over-identifying with one side of the equation.
Anxious Attachment: Choosing Connection Over Self
Anxiously attached individuals cope with imbalance by prioritizing connection at the expense of self.
They may:
Overfunction in relationships.
Struggle to set boundaries.
Self-sacrifice to preserve closeness.
Feel responsible for the relationship’s emotional well-being.
Lose touch with their own needs and desires.
The underlying belief is often: If I choose myself, the relationship will fall apart.
Avoidant Attachment: Choosing Self Over Connection
Avoidantly attached individuals cope with the same imbalance in the opposite way.
They may:
Distance from emotional intimacy.
Minimize needs their own and their partner’s needs.
Feel overwhelmed by closeness.
Struggle with vulnerability.
Protect autonomy at all costs.
The underlying belief here is: “If I get too close, I’ll lose myself.”
Though these strategies look opposite, both arise from the same developmental wound: the inability to stay connected to self and other simultaneously.
Why Anxious and Avoidant Partners Attract Each Other
In adulthood, we are often drawn to partners with a similar level of differentiation but with complementary coping strategies.
Anxious and avoidant partners frequently pair together because each represents the undeveloped side of the other.
The anxious partner is drawn to the avoidant’s apparent independence, autonomy, and self-containment.
The avoidant partner is drawn to the anxious partner’s warmth, emotional openness, and capacity for closeness.
This attraction is unconscious and rooted in unfinished development. Each partner is, in a sense, externalizing the part of themselves they have not yet integrated.
However, what begins as attraction often turns into a painful cycle of pursuit and withdrawal.
Mother–Son Enmeshment and Avoidant Attachment
A particularly common pattern emerges in cases of mother–son enmeshment.
In these dynamics, a boy grows up emotionally fused with his mother, often in the context of an emotionally absent, passive, or disengaged father. The son becomes a source of emotional regulation, support, or meaning for the mother—without space to fully develop his own autonomy.
For these men, intimacy in childhood often meant:
Emotional suffocation.
Lack of space to individuate.
Pressure to meet another’s emotional needs.
Guilt around separation.
As adults, their nervous systems associate closeness with self-loss. As a result, many mother-enmeshed men develop avoidant attachment.
They may remain emotionally enmeshed with their mother while simultaneously avoiding deep intimacy with romantic partners. Commitment feels threatening. Emotional demands feel overwhelming. Distance feels safer than closeness.
The Exhausted Anxious Partner
These avoidant men often partner with anxiously attached individuals—frequently women—who are skilled at emotional attunement, caregiving, and relational effort.
Over time, these partners may:
Chase connection.
Overfunction emotionally.
Carry the relationship forward alone.
Accept minimal reciprocity.
Lose themselves trying to “fix” or stabilize the bond.
Eventually, this leads to exhaustion, burnout, and deep resentment.
Both partners are repeating unfinished childhood dynamics. Neither is truly differentiated.
Healing Requires Differentiation
Real healing does not come from better communication techniques alone. It requires differentiation.
For the Anxious Partner
Healing involves:
Rebuilding connection to self.
Learning to self-regulate.
Setting boundaries without guilt.
Stopping self-sacrifice as a means of connection.
Tolerating the anxiety of not chasing.
In short, the anxious partner must stop running from themselves.
For the Avoidant Partner
Healing involves:
Learning to lean into intimacy.
Staying present with emotional discomfort.
Developing capacity for co-regulation.
Allowing vulnerability and exposure.
Facing shame rather than fleeing it.
In short, the avoidant partner must stop running from connection.
When Only One Partner Does the Work
In many relationships, it is the anxiously attached partner who initiates the healing process. They are often more motivated to engage in inner work in service of connection.
As they differentiate, one of two things typically happens:
The avoidant partner is slowly inspired to grow and lean in.
The avoidant partner pulls away further, unable or unwilling to change.
While this can be painful, differentiation ensures that the anxious partner no longer experiences this as a devastating loss. They are rebuilding themselves, strengthening their sense of self, and becoming more secure—regardless of the outcome.
The True Goal of Healing
The ultimate goal is not to save a particular relationship at all costs.
The goal is to become:
More balanced.
More secure.
More self-connected.
More capable of mature, reciprocal love.
As differentiation increases, attraction shifts. Secure individuals are naturally drawn to partners who can meet them in emotional availability, responsibility, and mutuality.
Whether a current partner comes along or not, this process prepares you for healthier relationships—starting with the one you have with yourself.
