Self-differentiation in intimate relationships is an incredibly important for fulfilling and enduring relationships.
It can arm our intimate relationship against the inevitable stress and pressure of hard times that often tear most relationships apart.
It can increase our capacity to be tolerate the discomfort of being vulnerable with our loved one and therefore strengthen our connection to them.
It can deepen our capacity to feel the full range of our emotions and therefore experience an incredible sense of depth and meaning in our relationships.
And if we can practice being more self-differentiated in our intimate relationships, it can carry over into other relationships in our lives — with friends, at work, even with strangers.
Maturity, like anything else we want to get good at, takes intentional practice. Here are 5 ways to practice relational maturity.
1. Bring awareness to unconscious processes.
Unconscious processes include instincts, emotions, automatic thoughts, and conditioned behaviors. They are always present as we relate to others, and they exert their influence over our behavior in ways that are often invisible to us.
Awareness is simply about observing ourselves, moment-to-moment, and noticing what comes up as we interact with the world. By cultivating awareness of our unconscious processes, we increase the likelihood that we’ll be able to interrupt — or at least slow down — the ones that negatively impact our relationships.
Simple, but not easy.
As you’re interacting with your loved ones: Do you get anxious? Do you snap at them? Do you judge what they’re saying? Do you pull your phone out to avoid connecting? Do you change the subject when it’s not to your liking? Do you start gossiping? Do you look for their approval?
Unconscious processes are more powerful than the individual and they have a ton of historical momentum behind them. It takes work to become aware of them moment-to-moment, and it’s even harder to shift how they play out, but continual practice adds up over time.
2. Speak from your own experience.
This is about taking the ‘I’ position and keeping the focus on the only thing we have any semblance of control over: our own experience.
It’s normal to want to change the other, to try to fix their problems, to give them advice, or to want to tell them about all the things they’re doing wrong. It’s much more effective, however, to turn the mirror on ourselves and focus on what we can fix or change about ourselves.
You can’t control a whole damn family, but you can control you, and any time you can control you, the family is a healthier organism. That is a reason to become a self. The more you can become a self, the more to your advantage, and the family’s. — Dr. Murray Bowen
It’s also common to try to manage our discomfort by redirecting the focus of the conversation to a third person or thing. This is the essence of small talk and gossip — to avoid talking about the “real stuff” going on between you and the other person. People will often sit and talk about the children, other people, work, the weather, celebrities, and pop culture, in order to avoid talking about their true thoughts and feelings with each other.
The practice here is to try our best to refrain from blaming or fixing the other, or from talking about the “third” entity, and keep the focus on sharing from our own inner experience.
3. Regulate and validate yourself.
This is about fostering the ability to calm ourselves as we relate to others, and not expecting them to make us feel better. It’s about taking responsibility for our own emotional experience, and regulating ourselves accordingly, so that we remain calm and thoughtful in our interactions with others as often as possible.
Our close relationships are going to challenge us — that’s a given. The things our loved ones say and do are going to make us uncomfortable. We’re going to get frustrated. We’re going to get angry. We’re going to feel anxious. We’re going to feel misunderstood. We’re going to get defensive.
The practice here is to use what organically comes up in our interactions to get better at regulating ourselves and bringing ourselves back to calm, so that we don’t rely on the other to do that for us.
4. Use conflict for growth.
Leaning into discomfort is about sitting with the hard stuff that comes up for us as we relate to others. When we choose to practice sitting with the hard stuff, we do so because we understand the value of staying in it and growing from it, instead of checking out or giving up.
As you may notice, all of these principles are interconnected. Part of what’s required to sit with the hard stuff is the ability to become aware of what’s coming up for us and soothing ourselves along the way.
The only way to truly grow in our relationships and deepen intimacy is to stay in through the hard stuff. Some parts of our relationships are going to be tough. Some parts are going to make us see things about ourselves and others that we don’t want to see. The only way to grow is to lean into the truth and tolerate the discomfort it causes.
This creates intimacy based on the truth of who you really are and who they really are, moment-to-moment. Not intimacy based on what makes each person feel good or comfortable, but what’s truly coming up for each person, in the moment, no matter how difficult.
The practice here is simply to stay in the discomfort and work through it with your loved one. Don’t run away from the hard work.
5. Stay connected, yet separate.
As human beings, we have a natural desire to both preserve our individuality (or separate sense of self) and to remain deeply connected to those we love.
To maintain a separate sense of self, we must practice healthy boundaries and ensure that others do not cross an emotional threshold within us that will overwhelm us. Boundaries say, “This is where I end and you begin, and I will not allow you to cross this line.” We momentarily choose ourselves over the union.
To feel deeply connected to others, we must practice releasing boundaries and open the channel that allows for an energetic connection between self and other. Openness says, “I allow you into me, I give myself to you, and through that, we become one.” We momentarily lose the separate sense of self in favor of the union.
Two of the most powerful human drives are our urge to control our own lives (autonomy), and our urge for relationship with others (attachment). One of the biggest tasks of adulthood is being able to balance these two urges, and one of the most common problems is having too much of one, and not enough of the other. — Dr. David Schnarch (Rest in Passion)
We are always managing the paradox between these two seemingly opposing forces. We tend to polarize toward one or the other, either by losing ourselves in our connections with others, or by remaining emotionally distant in order to preserve our individuality.
The more we mature, however, the more we are able to manage the paradox and get evermore emotionally close to our loved one, while staying grounded in a solid sense of who we are.
This practice is about learning to fluidly open and close boundaries, moment-to-moment, in order to promote a relationship that honors both separateness and togetherness, without polarizing to one side. Like the breath rhythmically and effortlessly expands and contracts within us, so too do our deepest connections with others.
6. Embrace the Lifelong Process
The practice of cultivating more maturity in and through our relationships is not for the faint-hearted. It’s arduous and laborious, but it is a life-giving practice. You see, this practice creates a positive feedback loop in our relationships.
As we leverage our closest relationships to practice self-differentiation, we feed life back into them. We begin showing up with more and more maturity in the very relationships we’re practicing in.
This deepens and strengthens the connection over time, which has unimaginable gifts for all those who are touched by the relationship.
A Final Note
This article is an homage to the late David Schnarch, who wrote the book Passionate Marriage and forever changed my view on love, passion, and life itself. Halfway through writing this, I learned of his passing. Dr. Schnarch inspired my thinking (and being) in my personal and professional life in inexplicable ways, and I’m forever changed by his work.
In a world obsessed with validating, coddling, and comforting, Dr. Schnarch reminded me of the importance of telling the truth, of individuality and self-ownership, and of growing up and taking responsibility for our role in the success of our relationships.
In a world obsessed with attachment and stability, he reminded me of the importance of passion, eros, alchemy, and the innate drive that exists within all living things to evolve.
Most importantly, he helped me believe in a version of love and relationships that is not about feeling good all the time, but rather about reaching our fullest potentials as humans, about spiritual realization, and about union with the Divine within ourselves, in the other, and in all that is.
May you Rest in Passion, Dr. Schnarch. Thank you, for everything.
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